What about love?

Have you been in the situation when you thought you’ve completely moved on from your pass relationship yet one day you got a message from him/her suddenly you cried like it was just yesterday when you broke up?

We’ve been together for 2 long years, it’s not a joke when a relationship last more than a year right? For that two years our love grew deeper and deeper, everyday we make sure we never missed texting each other, if we have extra time we go out and spend our time together, we go to mall, eat in a restaurant, or just go in the park and spend time talking.

But not all story ends in a happily ever after, one day she got jealous of my friend who’s her friend also, which in fact, they are more closer to each other. As we fought I decided to end our relationship, since she doesn’t trust me anymore.

For months we haven’t heard anything from each other, until one day, I received a message from an unknown person. I asked the sender to introduce himself, and then the sender replied, it’s my ex-girlfriend. We exchange messages for an hour or two, and then we decided to meet in a place where we can talk about what happen in our own respective life for the past 4 months.

It was February of 2008 when we met in her place, we exchange storied in what happen to lives after we broke up. As we talk, I miss her smile, I miss her laugh, and I miss her voice, and I miss her cute Japanese face. Then I realize that I still love her, and I still want her. So after that day, we exchange text, we went out, and sometimes we just talk like we’re in a relationship again, calling her “boo” and telling her “I love you.”

But it was March of 2008 when I open my Friendster account to check for updates when I accidentally saw her shout out, “Sh*t! Positive! (Japanese Phrase)” I felt so confused, I don’t know what to do, for one hour I was shocked and speechless. I called her and she did confirm it, she’s pregnant and the rest is history…

It’s been almost a year since she got pregnant to a different guy, for the span of 10 months, I tried to find new hobby, I’ve tried to find ways to enjoy my life and I tried to move on. I thought I’ll be fine that when the time comes, when I will visit her to see her and her child, I’ll be strong enough to hold my tears, and yet, I was wrong.

It was last Tuesday of this week when she told me that she’ll be staying in her condominium which is a jeep ride from my school (I promised her that when she will stay in her condominium I’ll visit them), we exchange texts, and told me that she miss me, and I end up… crying. I’m so upset to realize that after 10 months I still have the same feelings that I have from the day I learn she’s pregnant. It was so fresh for me as if it was just yesterday.

Later I’ll visit her in her condominium, I’ll be there to see her, her child, and her mom as well, but the fact that what will be my reaction/feeling when the moment I see her face again after 10 months scares me.
I’ll admit I’m still weak, I still have the pain inside of me, but the fact that I can’t control my feelings gives me fear. Will it be the moment that I’ll move from denial to acceptance or will it be the moment that I’ll move from acceptance back to denial. We’ll see…

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